Identity

I’ve long struggled with how I would talk about this topic for many reasons- I am embarrassed. I don’t want people to think I’m looking for attention. I don’t want to be labeled a hypocrite by my non-religious friends. I don’t want to be hated and tossed aside by the Christian culture. I don’t want to offend…

I’m talking about the fact that I’m a gay Catholic. A little about myself:

I have been to hell and back my whole life when it comes to my sexuality and how that works with my spirituality. When I was a child, I remember always being attracted to the same sex. There never was a moment that I thought that I was attracted to the opposite sex. This was a problem. I was always told by my church that being gay was wrong and that surely only normal, healthy Christians are straight. So what did I do? I dated girls. Naturally. I tried so hard to be “normal” as a developing teenager, all the while, trying to be a good Christian. I went to college, still having told no one of my sexual identity, because I was convinced that it would magically disappear one day. I read books about suppressing my sexuality in the name of “spiritual growth,” and went to counseling. I dated more women and was even briefly engaged. After graduating from college, I moved to Cleveland to pursue my graduate degree. While I was living in Cleveland, I finally came into full communion with the Catholic church (see older posts for the details), and spiritually, I finally felt like I was where I belonged. I was excited to finally be a Catholic and was equally excited to continue growing in my faith and learning about the Church. At this point, I had really swept the whole issue of my sexual identity under the rug. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I just ignored it.

It wasn’t even a month later that I met somebody. I met a man that I fell for- and I fell hard and fast. It was so unexpected. In the beginning it was a fun and thrilling relationship- and I began to finally feel fulfillment in my suppressed sexual self. I began to slowly slip further and further away from my faith in order to explore this part of my life. The fact of the matter is that eventually my life fell apart, I lost friends, I burned bridges and two years later I ended up a single man, far from God, lonely, with my heart literally aching in a way that I had never felt in my life. I was angry at God and I was angry with myself that I let my sexuality take over my entire identity.

It was over the next three months that I came back to my faith. I honestly never felt like I left it completely, but I definitely wasn’t actively pursuing it every day (any day, really). But, my whole life has changed in the last four years, and I have learned so much. My identity is in Jesus. God loves me and made me a gay man. I didn’t choose my sexuality, however, I must choose to live how God desires me to live. 

CATECHISM: “Sexuality affects all aspects of the human person in the unity of his body and soul. It especially concerns affectivity, the capacity to love and to procreate, and in a more general way the aptitude for forming bonds of communion with others. Everyone, man and woman, should acknowledge and accept their sexual identity… The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. [Homosexuals] are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.”

This is still a process. I don’t have it all figured out. I’m not even sure it makes sense to anyone else but me, honestly. I’m so thankful for so many of my friends who have prayed and continue to pray for me. I’m thankful for the saints in heaven that pray for me, especially our Mother and St. Gregory.

I say all of this first and foremost to give praise to a God who continues to love me when I don’t deserve it and repeatedly bring me out of the depths of my own self pity and unrighteousness. Secondly, I pray that evangelical America can come to realize that how they talk about homosexuality is often times uncaring, uninformed, and unintelligent. Finally, if someone reading this is going through something similar, I pray you find your hope in Jesus, and realize that he made you and he loves you.

“This is how I identify myself, as a child of God; what a beautiful identity!” -Pope Francis