“To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often.” -Cardinal Newman
I’ve always been a proponent of change. I’ve always welcomed it. Change can be a very positive and uplifting thing and I have made many changes throughout my life that were much needed. For example, when I was 23 years old, I came to the realization that I was very unhappily overweight at 265 pounds. I made an intentional change to lose weight, which included getting a gym membership and going five times a week. I found myself at 195 pounds just one year later. This is the kind of change that is easy to endure; the kind that makes one feel good and want to celebrate life. But there is another kind of change that even though it may be necessary, it is often unexpectedly difficult. This type of change could be driven by one or more of many circumstances that differ depending on the individual. It throws you into an emotional whirlwind that makes you challenge every part of your existence. Dramatic? Yeah. True? Absolutely.
If I were to tell you that I completely expected my life to turn out the way it has so far, it would be an enormous lie. The truth is, the last 4 years have been the most unexpected and challenging years of my life. Moving to Cleveland, getting my Master’s degree, starting work in the service industry… all of these were changes that seemed more natural and easy. The first major change, and the one I believe set off a chain of them, was my choice to become Catholic. Now, this would fall into the category of intentional change. I made this decision because I knew I had to. I knew that it’s where God wanted me to be. I was happy, and finally felt resolve in my my quest for true faith. (See previous blogs for this story). Just one month after this, another change hit me. It came out of nowhere. I met a man who made me happy. Someone who made me feel like I was worth something. I fell in love. I entered into a relationship of two years, and moved in with him. Without divulging details, things eventually fell apart and my heart was aching unlike it ever had. Directly after this, yet another change: I got offered a full time job with my company. I took the job, and soon after, I discovered that this also required a move to Columbus, Ohio. I took the job, and I moved.
So here I am, essentially starting a brand new chapter in my life. New city. New job. New people. This is the first time in my life that I have lived alone and had a “real” job. I tell ya what… It has been challenging. I have felt alone more in the last five months than I ever have. I have reflected on the last few years, and I regret some decisions I have made, while I applaud others. I have discovered that being an extrovert has its definite weaknesses. I have unintentionally hurt people and I have been selfish. Most of all, I have fallen apart spiritually and I am attempting to pick up the pieces and put them back together. When I go through challenging times, I have discovered that I do one of the most horrible things that anyone can do- I push people away. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I would rather not talk about my problems and keep them bottled up. My pride takes over. This is not how it’s meant to be.
How do I deal with this? What can I do to allow others in? For starters, Mass is where we are fed emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and this needs to become more of a priority. I also need to be better at communicating and allowing my brothers and sisters to share my life and I theirs. I need to pray more. I need to focus on others and less on myself. I need to thank God for provision and blessing even though I don’t deserve any of it. I need to continually realize that my Father loves me no matter how ugly I perceive myself to be. I need to endure change with the strength and grace of God.
I realize how heavy this post is. I know it’s super personal. It may be uncomfortable to read in spots. But it’s where I’ve been, and where I am now. It’s honesty.
Welcome change and make changes if need be, but don’t be caught off guard by it and the effects it can have on your life. Be prepared to endure and always remember:
“If we are intended for great ends, we are called to great hazards.” -Cardinal Newman
dailyconversion 
One of the most outrageous–and comforting–realizations I’ve had in my own life as of late is this: when the Lord shows me some part of my heart or life that is desperately in need of His grace & healing, and my first reactions are shock & shame at how broken I am…He is not caught by surprise. He has seen all of me, all along, and has loved me fully, passionately, just exactly as I am. Let Him bring about the good work/ change He desires, but never for a second believe that His love for or approval of you depends upon it.