Daily Conversion

   What does it mean to convert? To (a)transform, to (b)change, to (c)chose something else, to (d)adapt to a new or different purpose… All acceptable answers. And since my blog proposes that I care about this word, which I do, let’s talk about it. Why did I chose this title? Well, I wanted to pick something catchy and different, something faith based, and something… challenging. Indeed it is. Of course, I’m speaking in religious terms, but the phrase could equally relate to general every day life. Every morning we wake up, we make a million choices, and even the simplest of them relate to the word conversion. For example, you had a bad day yesterday. You got up late and you were behind all day. Today, you chose to transform how yesterday went, by changing what you did and adapt to a new, better plan. (See what I did there? ;-)) It’s a mini life conversion. We feel better when we make these positive conversions, yes? 

   Of course, my blog title isn’t really referring to the above mentioned type of conversion. Those are good, yes, and they should be celebrated, but my blog is referring to spiritual conversion. I have to make a choice every day before I get out of bed, how I am going to live my life… THAT day. I’m lucky if I get up once a week and think about it, honestly. If I truly thought about converting each day, I wonder how different my life would be. I’m not talking about the overarching “conversion to Christianity,” but a daily conversion to live my life how Christ would. I don’t know about you, but when I wake up in the morning, my mind is going crazy thinking about everything but converting my spiritual life.

   Today, I thought about the correlation with the word conversion when it’s used in sports. So much excitement surrounds a player when he converts 2 points and wins the football game in the last second, or a team when free throw conversion was the difference in their winning the basketball game. These conversions are exciting. It’s celebrated. It’s a necessity to win.

   I want to win my daily battles. I want to be more like Christ. I want to show compassion and love to the world. In order to do this, I need to ask God, every day, to transform me and use me. This is where it needs to start- with myself.

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Open my eyes, Lord, to see my true thoughts and motivations. I don’t want to hold on to the self-righteous things I consider worthy but which you have called filthy rags. I want to be emptied of any condemning attitudes toward others, for condemnation only brings bondage to both of us. Release me, Father, from the grip of negative thoughts and critical attitudes. Let your cleansing blood wash over me now. You can remove the selfish motivations deep within me for you know every corner of my heart. Bring into the light my “logs” of self-righteousness and pride. I don’t want them anymore! I ask for your forgiveness. I want room for your presence and your life. I ask you to transform me into your image and likeness.

 

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of our death. Amen.

 

St. Catherine of Siena, pray for us. 

St. Anthony, pray for us.

St. Therese of Lisieux, pray for us. 

St. Julian, pray for us. 

St. Gregory, pray for us. 

 

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Challenging Changes

   “To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often.” -Cardinal Newman

   I’ve always been a proponent of change. I’ve always welcomed it. Change can be a very positive and uplifting thing and I have made many changes throughout my life that were much needed. For example, when I was 23 years old, I came to the realization that I was very unhappily overweight at 265 pounds. I made an intentional change to lose weight, which included getting a gym membership and going five times a week. I found myself at 195 pounds just one year later. This is the kind of change that is easy to endure; the kind that makes one feel good and want to celebrate life. But there is another kind of change that even though it may be necessary, it is often unexpectedly difficult. This type of change could be driven by one or more of many circumstances that differ depending on the individual. It throws you into an emotional whirlwind that makes you challenge every part of your existence. Dramatic? Yeah. True? Absolutely. 

   If I were to tell you that I completely expected my life to turn out the way it has so far, it would be an enormous lie. The truth is, the last 4 years have been the most unexpected and challenging years of my life. Moving to Cleveland, getting my Master’s degree, starting work in the service industry… all of these were changes that seemed more natural and easy. The first major change, and the one I believe set off a chain of them, was my choice to become Catholic. Now, this would fall into the category of intentional change. I made this decision because I knew I had to. I knew that it’s where God wanted me to be. I was happy, and finally felt resolve in my my quest for true faith. (See previous blogs for this story). Just one month after this, another change hit me. It came out of nowhere. I met a man who made me happy. Someone who made me feel like I was worth something. I fell in love. I entered into a relationship of two years, and moved in with him. Without divulging details, things eventually fell apart and my heart was aching unlike it ever had. Directly after this, yet another change: I got offered a full time job with my company. I took the job, and soon after, I discovered that this also required a move to Columbus, Ohio. I took the job, and I moved. 

   So here I am, essentially starting a brand new chapter in my life. New city. New job. New people. This is the first time in my life that I have lived alone and had a “real” job. I tell ya what… It has been challenging. I have felt alone more in the last five months than I ever have. I have reflected on the last few years, and I regret some decisions I have made, while I applaud others. I have discovered that being an extrovert has its definite weaknesses. I have unintentionally hurt people and I have been selfish. Most of all, I have fallen apart spiritually and I am attempting to pick up the pieces and put them back together. When I go through challenging times, I have discovered that I do one of the most horrible things that anyone can do- I push people away. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I would rather not talk about my problems and keep them bottled up. My pride takes over. This is not how it’s meant to be. 

   How do I deal with this? What can I do to allow others in? For starters, Mass is where we are fed emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and this needs to become more of a priority. I also need to be better at communicating and allowing my brothers and sisters to share my life and I theirs. I need to pray more. I need to focus on others and less on myself. I need to thank God for provision and blessing even though I don’t deserve any of it. I need to continually realize that my Father loves me no matter how ugly I perceive myself to be. I need to endure change with the strength and grace of God.

   I realize how heavy this post is. I know it’s super personal. It may be uncomfortable to read in spots. But it’s where I’ve been, and where I am now. It’s honesty. 

   Welcome change and make changes if need be, but don’t be caught off guard by it and the effects it can have on your life. Be prepared to endure and always remember:

“If we are intended for great ends, we are called to great hazards.” -Cardinal Newman